She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
