I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
