I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
