she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
