Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
