You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
