My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
