we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
