So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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