you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
