just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
