Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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