We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
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so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
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I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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