So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
