made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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