Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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