I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
