I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
