I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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