He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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