but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
