Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
