Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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