his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
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were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
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I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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