he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
