we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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