I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
