I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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