He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
