yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
