So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
