Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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