worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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