So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
