Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
