thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
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