Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
