I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
