She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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