Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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