Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
