just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
