was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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