my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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