I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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