Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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