i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
