plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
