I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
