I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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