Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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