How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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