So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
