The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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