I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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