In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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