It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
